Chorus:
Take a number
Get your hand out the M&M bowl
Take a number
Get your hand out the M&M bowl
This ain't the food bank and you don't work here
Let me make this crystal clear
Don't put your paws on my candy
Squirrel motherfucker, go stock your own pantry
And if you think it's mean that I'm rationing my dragees
You can write me an essay
And when I call your number, you can read it to me
(Chorus)
It's not a joke, it's the fucking procedure
And if you came hungry, go out to the bleachers
and find a scrap of food
Eating all my motherfucking candy is rude
The now serving sign isn't just for fun
Every so often it advances by one
It's a pretty solid system
Bet you'd understand it if you would listen
(Chorus)
Potato-head dude with an M&M mouthful
Are you even here for business? It's doubtful
Most people know this ain't an M&M stand
How'd you even get them to melt on your hands
And your face, and your pants
Do you have a problem?
You're about to have a problem
(Chorus)
My dick's on the phone (RANG RANG)
It's calling you up on the phone (RANG RANG)
It's calling you up to have a conversation
You better pick up the phone (RANG RANG)
You better chat with the bone (RANG RANG)
It's got important information
I don't care if you're driving (RANG RANG)
I don't care if you're eating (RANG RANG)
I don't care if you're in a meeting
My dick's on the phone (RANG RANG)
You better try to pick up your phone (RANG RANG)
You better try to catch it before it goes to voicemail
My dick's on the phone (RANG RANG)
My dick's on the phone (RANG RANG)
My dick's on the phone (RANG RANG)
My dick is on the phone (RANG RANG)
Welcome home, you must be tired
Come on and put your feet up
I have the ottoman all ready, it's in the living room
And if you need, I have a second ottoman
One for each foot
I can give you the comfort that you need
Chorus:
Girl take your socks off
I want to see where them legs go
Bare feet, bare toes
Girl take your socks off
(Girl take your socks off)
Girl take your socks off
I want to see where them legs go
Bare feet, bare toes
Girl take your socks off
(I want to see where them legs goes)
It's nothing sick, I just wanna see em
For medical reasons
Feet are what you walk on, isn't that important?
I'm an amateur podiatrist with professional intentions
And your feet need attention
You have a hard spot on one of them
And I like that
(Chorus)
Your toe paint is chipping, and them nails need clipping
I can take care of that, it's not a problem
Put the clippings in a jar with a label
And keep em on the table
I'll smell them while you're at work tomorrow
(Chorus)
Yeah, I think I'm gonna take the Subaru out today
Got about eighteen woofers in it
(Wow)
Got, like, sixteen subwoofers
(That's a lot of woofers)
That's right
I'm going downtown like a bass machine
Going to Chicago like a bass machine
Going to Chicago to party with Oprah
(Party with Oprah)
Drive to the club about 7:00
Dude says "hey" as I'm driving up,
"Get out of here man, you're too cool for this club"
(You're just too cool)
So I go to Ikea bout 8:00
I pull the whip up in the loading dock
They don't mind if I park here, these guys know me
(We'll take care of it for you)
Yeah, we're cool like that, cause there's no Ikea in my city
(What?)
That's right
Going downtown like a bass machine
Going to Chicago like a bass machine
I'm going to Chicago to party with Oprah
(Party with Oprah)
I'm like Oprah cause everybody gets a car
I'm like Oprah cause everybody gets a car
I'm like Oprah cause I got a book club
(I got a book club)
Everybody gets a car
Everybody gets a car, that's right
Everybody gets a car
Everybody gets a book club
(I got a book club, it's pretty cool
It's called the book club, you wanna join?)
I'm going downtown like a bass machine
Going to Chicago like a bass machine
Going to Chicago to party with Oprah
(Party with Oprah)
I'm like Oprah cause everybody gets a car
I'm like Oprah cause everybody gets a car
I'm like Oprah cause I'll endorse your book
(You should read it)
Everybody gets their book endorsed
Everybody gets a car
Everybody gets their book endorsed by Oprah
(I'll endorse your book:
It's a pretty good book.)
Chorus:
Welcome to Horsetown, here's a horse
Welcome to Horsetown
Welcome to Horsetown, here's a horse
Welcome to Horsetown
I had to go down to Horsetown to give a horse some candy
I had to go down to Horsetown to give a horse some oats
I gave a horse some candy, it ate it with its lips
It didn't touch my hands with its teeth
That's pretty cool
(Chorus)
I think I need a new saddle for this horse
This one doesn't have any buckles
It needs new straps (Some straps)
Gonna give a horse some eggs
I think he likes em
Put some eggs in with his candy (Some eggs)
(Chorus)
I think I'm getting a little light-headed
Think I need to crack into these eggs
Have a couple eggs, hang out here
It's pretty cool, I'm not trying to tease a horse
Just hungry, need some blood sugar
Maybe I'll have a candy
(Maybe you need some oats)
Mix it up with some oats, for cholesterol
That's a lot better
I'm feeling a lot better
Girl, I saw you had...
I saw you had a bunch of Lean Cuisine wrappers in the trashcan
Don't you know that's no good?
You deserve something finer
You need fresh fruits, vegetables, some candies
That's why I'm here for you, all you have to do is call
I'll come over and prepare something nutritious
That's what you need
Make you a trail mix with full size Kit Kats
Do it real quick, show me where the bowl is at
Add some peanuts and mix em with some raisins
Put some M&Ms in and top it with some Craisins
I'm the Expert Chef
I'm the Expert Chef
Scrub a tub of cream cheese on a wheat pita
Make a Frito pie and spell your name out in Velveeta
I can decorate a cake
I can decorate a cupcake, or a tray of cupcakes
I'm the Expert Chef
I'm the Expert Chef
Little roll of Saran Wrap, I don't need very much Saran Wrap
I'm an expert... I'm an expert
I heard you wanted a hotdog, I don't cook hotdogs
But if I did I would sous-vide em
Put em on a plate and hold em out so you could see em
and flush em down the crapper like an Oscar Mayer BM
I'm the Expert Chef
I'm the Expert Chef
I can make a little Snicker bar salad
All you need is Snicker bars, and a little talent
Pair it with a piece of Chicken Pate
And tell the sommelier to speak Francais
I'm the Expert Chef
I'm the Expert Chef
Come on, baby, let's go...
Let's go clear out the freezer
You don't have to live like that no more
Eating Smart Ones
Having some old fake turkey gravy on some old fake potatoes
I'll cook you real poatoes
I'll cook you sweet potatoes
I'll cook African potatoes
I'll cook French potatoes
I can scallop or squeeze them
You know you don't...
You don't have to have Hot Pockets no more, let's just...
Let's get the trashcan and just throw it all out
That's right
We're living a different life now
It's gonna be beautiful
I am the master of the synthesizer
I am the master of the synthesizer
And don't forget, don't forget
Don't even try to touch a Korg, cause you'll fuck it up
You'll fuck it up
Don't even try to touch a Roland
You'll fuck it up, you'll fuck it up
Why'd you even have to touch the drum machine?
Because you fucked it up, you fucked it up.
Why'd you have to touch a Korg, why'd you have to fuck it up
Why'd you have to fuck it up, it was a good Korg
It was a good Korg
It was a microKORG
It was the smallest synthesizer available on the market
and you fucked it up
You fucked it up
You fucked it up and now I can't use it
Use it
I am the master of the synthesizer
And don't forget, don't forget.
I am the master of the synthesizer
And don't forget, don't forget.
You can't fuck with me
(You can't fuck with me)
I'm the master of it
I'm the master of the synthesizer
Why'd you have to go and touch the drum machine
Why'd you have touch the drum machine
Why'd you have to touch a Roland
You can't even touch a Roland without catching it on fire
You burned my Roland, you caught it on fire
How do you catch a keyboard on fire, I don't know.
(I don't know)
How did you catch a keyboard on fire, I don't even know.
Why'd you have to go and burn my Roland
Why'd you ruin my Roland
Why'd you fuck up my Roland
I needed it, I needed it to make sounds
Because I am the master
I am the master
I am the master of the synthesizer
He is the master of the synthesizer
Mozart wrote sick shit and called it Le Buttfuck
Salvador Dali said my words are a truck
I talked to Stephen King, he said "Give me your autograph"
Motherfuckers need to know bout the one true polymath
Playing Monopoly I'm always the top hat
Tapping store clerks on the side of the shoulder pad, asking
Where the drinks at? Where the drinks at?
Where the drinks at, my mouth is dry
I'm the Lee Harvey Oswald of eatin' pie
Had a plot to --------------------------------
Didn't carry it out cause I would've got capped
and if I wanted to get shot for Bush I would have gone to Iraq and Afghanistan
That's not the planistan
Honey I Shrunk the Country starring Rick Moranistan
I'm making big balls phone calls
I'm making big balls phone calls
I'm making big balls phone calls, give me the handset
Asking Ted Strickland for serious transit
Not directly, I left him a voicemail, and said
This is 2010. Where the hell is the light rail and street cars
Or the weed bars
Hit pound and dialed NPR, because it's paid for by viewers like me
(That's PBS.)
Oh.
I'm making big balls phone calls
I'm making big balls phone calls
Girl, you better get out the car
You don't wanna hear these nasty jams
You better walk down the block
You don't wanna hear these nasty jams
NA$TYJAM$
Man, you better roll up the window
You don't wanna hear these nasty jams
You better lock the door
You don't wanna hear these nasty jams
NA$TYJAM$
Dude, you better go back in the store
You don't wanna see these nasty jams
Go back to the counter
Cause you don't want to encounter
NA$TYJAM$
Old man, you go back in the restaurant
You don't wanna hear these nasty jams
You don't wanna hear em
NA$TYJAM$
Girl, you better get out the car
You don't wanna hear these nasty jams
You better walk down the block
You better keep walking
Keep walking
Keep walking til you can't hear them anymore
It's your best interest in mind
I'm trying to save you
My astrological signal is Aves, the Latin bird
March 14th to June 14th
My personality type is excellence
I was raised in a special place, far from the ocean
Never had contact with marine life like stingrays
It didn't influence my horoscope, that's determined at birth
Chorus:
What's your horoscope? (What's your horoscope?)
What's your horoscope? (What's your horoscope?)
Tell me a story about where you were born
What was the moon like, what was the sunset like
Did you get presents
It's not an exact science but I can pinpoint your horoscope
It says here that you like horoscopes, is that correct?
You have to tell me the truth
(Chorus)
Your signal is interesting and I think you're on the cusp between two different galaxies
Do you spend a lot of time in the basement?
Do you spend a lot of time upstairs?
I thought so
The chart says you could be a professional if you got a sharp suit
I agree, because I think you look professional
Your lucky number is three easy payments of $39.95
(Chorus)
Today is the day you get hit with some reality
You need to learn how real people live
This is the story
(This is the story)
I got fourteen chairs to lean back in
Three recliners for straight relaxing
and two different beds to go to sleep
No Mattress Factory, kid, I ain't cheap
I got the California King with the Pillowtop
10 PM, you see the pillows drop
Why're you in my bedroom, are you Dick Cheney?
Get out
Chorus:
I don't do shit
(I don't do shit)
I don't do shit
(I don't do shit)
I don't do shit, that's my decision
Not doing shit is like my religion
Look to the east five times a day
and if I'm doing shit, then I put it away
Oh I should come to the club and get crazy?
I'm the Saddam of being lazy
And besides, I can drink beer at home
I do it every afternoon.
(Chorus)
I wanna give a shout-out to sitting down
Give a shout-out to laying down
Wanna give a shout-out to typing stuff into Google
Wanna give a shout-out to Cesar Milan
for letting me imagine what it would be like if I trained my dog
I wanna give a shout-out to waking up late
(Waking up late)
Don't hate
(Don't hate)
(The TV is on and it's a motherfucking marathon)
My day is over, man
(My day is over, man)
(I'm going to be right here because I don't do shit)
(I don't do shit)
(I don't do shit)
(The TV is on and it's a motherfucking marathon)
I went to England last year and it was fucked up
I went to England last year and it was fucked up
I went to England last year and it was fucked up
I rode a lorry down to post a parcel
It was raining out so I wore a mackintosh
I had to eat lunch at a Tesco
The food was measured out in grams and liters
I went to England last year and it was fucked up
I had to get on a plane, fuck that
I had to go all the way across the pond
and it turns out it isn't really a pond
It took about 8 hours
I went to England last year and it was fucked up
Went down to the High Street
Had to hire a barrister
He's like a lawyer but different
I sat my A-levels in maths
I went to England last year and it was fucked up
I went to England last year and it was fucked up
They had cameras everywhere and I was flicking em off
and a guy came on the loud speaker and said
Don't give the cameras the finger, this is England
I had to go down to Horsetown to give a horse some candy
I had to go down to Horsetown to give a horse some oats
Welcome to Horsetown
Welcome to Horsetown
Hold on, I'll be with you in a minute
Monday morning and I'm driving to a house
There's a man at the house, and he says that he wants to buy the house
And that's fine
But I said, you know, you look like a man who can appreciate a bigger house
He looks at me and agrees
So we drive down the street and there's a bigger house, and an even bigger house
and I say, which one do you want?
Just kidding, you want the biggest house
I can see it in your eyes
Subprime lenders going on benders
(I'll fuck your credit up)
Subprime lenders going on benders
(Oh, you thought you could afford that house?)
Now it's Tuesday morning and I woke up with a headache
Had a couple whiskies, which didn't help the headache
but it made me feel better about waking up
And I drove downtown, on the street,
Alady is waiting at the bus stop
and she has three kids or four kids with her
I roll down the window and say, do you want a house?
I think you want a house
I think you could live in a house
Come with me, put the kids in the trunk
Subprime lenders going on benders
(I'll fuck your credit up)
Subprime lenders going on benders
(You thought you could afford that house?)
And it's Wednesday morning and my mouth's real dry
So I have three, four whiskies and get in the car
And decide to go camp out on the lawn of a nice house
The man comes out and tries to get the paper and I hand him the paper
But I say, hey, are you sure you don't want a bigger house?
Your house is okay but I think you could use a bigger house
And he says, well...
And I say, you look like a man who can appreciate the finer things in life
Come on, we can do this
Subprime lenders going on benders
(I'll fuck your credit up)
Subprime lenders going on benders
(Oh, you thought you could afford that house?)
Thursday morning rolls around so I have a double whiskey and a triple whiskey
It's about 5 whiskies in all
You have to split them up so they fit in the cup holder
Which is fine
I went to a party with some other lenders last night and it was fun
It was reasonably fun
One of them said hey,
Do you ever feel guilty about selling people houses they can't afford?
I looked at him and said no
And that was the truth
Subprime lenders going on benders
(I'll fuck your credit up)
Subprime lenders going on benders
(You could never afford that house.)
Now it's Friday and I don't have to go to work, because I work four-day weeks
Because I want to
Because it's just fine
You know, I made enough commissions this week to afford about 86,400 whiskies
And I think that's a good clip
I could buy other stuff with the money
I could upgrade my house
Maybe I'll buy a giant house that I can't afford
Just kidding
Subprime lenders going on benders
(I'll fuck your credit up)
Subprime lenders going on benders
(There's no way you can afford that house.)
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug
Come on, chug it, chug it
Chug the mortgage, chug the mortgage, you can afforgage
Chug the mortgage
Drink it up, you'll be paying it off, or not paying it off
Or you'll get foreclosed, or, I don't know
I am in caps lock
You are in lowercase
My life is awesome
Your life is a hellscape
I am a suitcase
You are a worn-out suitcase
My life is a greatscape
and your life, well, it's a hellscape
Your life is a hellscape, hellscape
Your life is a hellscape, hellscape
I am a crisp twenty
You are a dirty penny
Dropped on the ground long ago, and no one bothered to pick you up
Slowly, you will erode, and after thousands of years, eventually return to the earth
The technical term for this is your life is a hellscape
Your life is a hellscape, hellscape
Your life is a hellscape, hellscape
Your entire existence is a wet February, standing outside, waiting for the bus
A car drives by and covers you in slush
Look in the window of that car, I'm driving
And inside, I'm listening to this song
Your life is a hellscape, hellscape
Your life is a hellscape, hellscape
Your life is an immutable hellscape
Your life is a living nightmare hellscape
You cannot escape this hellscape
Your entire existence is a hellscape
You can also download NA$TYJAM$ at eMusic
or Rhapsody.
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