1. Crudbump AKA
This is Crudbump, AKA Mr Fulfillment
Mr Elevator, strong reverberator
Midwest accent with flat grey skies
Midwest diet, I'm Lord of the Fries
AKA Judas Beats from the east of Cincinnati
And if you don't like it, place a call to your fucking daddy
Start crying about the Irish Lion
The Irish Storm, without the uniform
The Irish Captain, drum machine crackin
Irish mountain time, cooking up moonshine
Turn it over to Mr. Experience
Tyrannosaurus Flex, pay respects
Pull right in, I'm the Appalachian Station
Human Microphone with synthesizer action
Crusty Crumbles, another thing they call me
I don't know where that's from
I like baking, and muffins, and fat scones.
And cream cheese. And other kinds of scones.
English muffins. Irish muffins.
Irish muffins technically aren't
muffins, if you order one it's just beef.
2. White House
I'm in the white house trying to get my paper up
I'm in the oval office trying to get my chub chugged
I'm in the white house trying to get my paper together
You feel me
Chewin on slim jims, 200 inch rims
Rental car pulls up to the entrance
Mr. Crudbump? That's what they call me
Voice mail so full, don't even call me
I got the chubby checker, the home wrecker
Leavin lots of top deckers in Lincoln's bedroom, you rubbernecker
John Boehner asking if I need coffee
Orange motherfucker, just gimme my money
Walking down the old halls like a resident
Slapping mad high fives with the president
"Mr. Biden's busy, sir, he's taking a dump"
Tell him pinch it off he has a meeting with Crudbump
Need funding for my Moby Dick, my white whale
My holy grail, banks say it's too big to fail
When push comes to shove it you find out the country loves it
Crudbump line item first in the budget
Forever and ever, a statue in the mallway
My oil portrait hangs high in the hallway
If I get arrested, catch a motherfucking pardon
Like Warren G I'm a motherfucking Harding
3. The Sickest
I'm like Target, liberals love me
Kids climb up my leg trying to hug me
Hey Santa! No, I ain't got shit for you
Late for my date with a rare-ass steak I gotta cut through
The fat is the thickest
And the blood on the table, ridiculous
With cow gods as my witness
That's how I do it cause I'm the damn sickest
I'm like a metaphor, I mean a simile
I mean assimilate the ass that's in front of me
A dirt button's a shirt button but in a butt, and
I'm busy town like a Richard Scarry worm man
Don't get scared, I'm well-haired, not scary
A man's man's required to be hairy
I dish the starfish the quickest
That's how I do it cause I'm the damn sickest
Give it to you straight, right out the rear gate
Seven got scared, cause he heard that I ate
Nine through eleven, bread unleavened
Passover's over, shalom ass reverend
The brown reverent, bow to the fundament
Take communion every now and then
Church is now the dismissedest
That's how I do it cause I'm the damn sickest
4. Write Me A Check Out
Write me a check out, or get the heck out
You want work done captain
Write me a check out and see what happens
Hand me a big stack of Jacksons
Those are 20s
Pay me in experience?
All I can say is I hope that you like asparagus
And the smell of green piss
Try ordering a taco
Step to the counter with no dough
Tell 'em you can put their name in the credits, though
You got an indie budget?
I got an indie banana split
Two scoops of ice cream and
eat a big shit
Can't afford to pay me?
No problem, I'll just tell my landlord I was in, like,
this really cool project that's going to get me a lot of exposure.
It'll be, like, a stepping stone, and I can work on some other
great projects in the future. And I'll tell him that you had a
really great sweater, and a great blog, and you really care a
lot about your project. He'll understand.
I'm sure he'll understand.
5. Bigfoot
I'm like Bigfoot
Stomping thru your house again
Looking for eggs
Call me bigfoot, or call me monsterlegs
When I ring the fucking bell gimmme eggs
It's trick or treat every week for my knees
I need vitamins to keep 'em on my feet
Got a carton of eggs let me borrow that
When I'm done, you're not gonna want em back
I gotta process and digest the eggs
Process and digest, protein to progress
If you're gone fill a basket up and set it out
Or I'll bust a window, come and get the eggs out
You're weight watching, your fridge had a lock and
I ripped the door right off the hinges
And my eggs are not binges
My physique is stupendous
I'm like a camel, my gut full of muscle
And water. How you gonna question?
When I came through your house with big legs,
I left the refrigerator open. I'm sorry about that.
You can replace that food, it's not safe.
Yes! I need the oval chicken baby
Crack the liquid in my mouth, I'm lazy
I'm the sasquatch, mouth on a chicken crotch
Yelling give me another one
You never see me, people try to film me
Try to keep the camera still
Enhance the video, the tape is a mess
It looks like a 32 year old with baldness
I stay hidden, eggs do my bidding
Chickens get to picking legs get to kicking
I kicked a bird and the bird didn't notice
Birds don't give a fuck
Put all the birds in a factory
Put them in hell boxes
Fuck birds, fuck every bird
Give me your unborn bird children
Eggs are sterile, you can keep them unrefrigerated... Room temperature
eggs. They cook better, they eat better. You can crack them and just get
the liquid out and drink the liquid. They all look the same inside.
They all cook the same inside. Call me bigfoot.
6. I'm Meaty
I'm meaty
Look upon my raw meat helmet
Full beef living room, girl you can smell it
like a hot bowl of applesauce
Topped off with cinnamon
Put me out for dinner with a wake like Finnegan
Doctor says you need more fiber, that's irrelevant
Never take advice from a man who's celibate
If you need a bib I got one, come to my crib
for hot bun, it weighs a ton
I'm meaty, I'm so very meaty
I'm meaty
Gaze upon my pepperoni precipice
Protein dreams and fatty wishes, your preference
Single chicken nugget, one piece, I deliver
Swallow a bottle of milk thistle for your liver
Grade A, Select, Prime, Choice
Stream of consciousness misunderstood like Joyce
Corner to corner, I get the bacon before you
And put the ham on the table before I bore you
I'm like a hot bowl of applesauce
Like a hot bowl of applesauce
I'm like a hot bowl of applesauce
I said, girl can you smell my sauce
Girl, can you lick it up
Girl, can you lick my sauce
I said, girl can you lick my applesauce
Girl, can you lick it up
Girl, can you smell it
Girl, can you lick it up
Can you lick my applesauce
I said, girl do you like my sauce
Girl do you like my sauce
It's so meaty
7. You Dumb
You dumb. But its not your fault, you were born that way
or your ass got dropped. You dumb.
Dumb like a box of rocks or a fox in socks
Trying to open up a big can of dinner
If there was a moron contest you'd be a winner
And get the second place too
Scientists worldwide converged on your face
Your fucking face, your dumbass face
To find if there's anything behind it
Or just the cold vacuum of space
How does a microwave work.
How does a Ford Fiesta work.
How does a Ford Fiesta drive around.
These aren't things that you say aloud.
How can one person have all your problems
Google around and try to find where you got em
You know, Google… on the computer…
never mind.
What's inside a filet o fish
If I had to guess I'd say fillet of fish
A fish is an animal that comes from the sea
Yes, it lives UNDER the wter
Asking me where dirt comes from
Where the fuck does dirt come from
Where the fuck does dirt come from?
How long have you lived in this world?
Do you need me to define that word?
A world is a planet like Earth
Seven billion people walking around
All of them know dirt comes from the ground
Yeah, you shoulda known
Come up with that shit on your own
Take a few seconds, sit back and relax
I know that your mind is blown
8. I'm About To Get Shitty
I put in 12 herbs and spices, fuck the colonel
Your relatives eat Kentucky Fried Urinal
Cake, when I shake and bake you at the wake
Everybody's bawling, I'm pissing on the coffin
Uncle Ted saying RIP,
I shake it off and let you rest in pee, with
Ninety earthworms eating up your dead penis
Turn your dick into dirt, kid, believe it
Roly polys rolling out your eyesocket
I ain't done son there's one on the docket
Behind your headstone, a tree grows up
I cut it down and then piss on the stump
I'm about to get shitty
9. Put My Dick On It
"I'm getting all wet," she told me in the rain
I hear it all the time, and yet I can't complain
Let me take your coat, don't wanna drip on it
"No thank you cause you're gonna put your dick on it"
I see a lemon muffin
I put my dick on it
I see a coffee cup and
I put my dick on it
I see a big butt and
I put my dick on it
First I ask permission then I put my dick on it
I see a white car
I put my dick on it
I see a red car
I put my dick on it
I see any car
I put my dick on it
I like transportation, so I put my dick on it
In the hood, a cop pulls up beside me
Officer just can't stop eyeing me
He says, "Wise up, you better get a grip on it.
I know what you're into."
Damn cop car I wanna put my dick on it
Please drive away I wanna put my dick on it
Find a real crime before I put my dick on it
I think I'm ice cold gonna put my dick on it
It's like ice cream, I wanna put my dick on it
Cold and clean, yeah, I wanna put my dick on it
Gimme just a second let me put my dick on it
Get a piece of tape and stick a damn ticket on it
10. Chicken Nuggets
I eat chicken nuggets and I'm not gonna apologize
Better than pulled pork, french fries or Five Guys
It's the favorite taste of America
The chicken's chopped up clavicle, it's delectable
When I pull the car in, the kids cheer
Forty nuggets stat I gotta crack my beer
And get down to hard work, it's the roughest
Don't criticize chicken nuggets
Chicken can't fly, so they fit in my mouth
Chew the bird up till I can choke it down
You can tell I'm one sixty fourth Cherokee
The way I use the parts of the chicken is embarrassing
Vegans close your hole and eat bread crumbs
Don't criticize chicken, kid, kiss my rectum
That's right I ate the chicken butt
I ate the chicken butt
I ate the chicken butt
I ate the kidneys and the whole spine
Deep fried Frankenstein, all the time
Don't criticize chicken nuggets
What do you eat, what do your kids eat
What were you conditioned to put in your mouth and chow down
That's what all of this is about
11. Go Fuck Yourself
Had to beep my horn cause you were backing up
Had to call your mom up and tell her you were acting up
Cause you tried to flick me off
I'm a good driver, shut up and drive off
Why you holding up the line
Everyone else thinkin they're gonna die
Inside of a Best Buy
The customer is always right, you're the worst kind
Take your business to the graveyard
Yeah I'm gonna say it, I hope you die hard
Or die softly, I don't care
As long as you stop breathing up my air
Try to breathe water, or try to eat concrete
Eat some bread if you're allergic to wheat
Kill yourself and wake up in hell
Or just get a room and go fuck yourself
It's a little cold outside
So get your coat and your hat
Before you go fuck yourself
It's the new dance move
Turn around on the floor
And then go fuck yourself
Fill out your career pathway
Look at the bottom
It says to go fuck yourself
Oh shit you're late,
it's five minutes past
Time to go fuck yourself
On a scale of one to ten
I'd rank your whole existence
as go fuck yourself
Take it from me
99% of doctors agree
That you should go fuck yourself
Cops showed up with a warrant
You're wanted for failure
To go fuck yourself
I've got a letter here from the world
It's signed "Everyone"
It says to go fuck yourself
12. Get You What You Want
You want a pack of double A's
I'll get you what you want
You want a peanut butter jelly
I'll get you what you want
You want a brand new Sharpie
I'll get you what you want
You want to borrow my white-out
I'll get you what you want
You want a ride to CVS
I'll get you what you want
You want a bowl of pho ga
I'll get you what you want
An environmental light bulb
I'll get you what you want
You want help out to your car
I'll get you what you want
Pick you up some DVDs
I'll get you what you want
You wanna borrow a screwdriver
I'll get you what you want
You wanna borrow a phillips
I'll get you what you want
You wanna check out my drill
I'll get you what you want
You wanna get a little picture
I'll get you what you want
You want money
13. Gimme My Money
Gimme my money, for goods and services
This is the foundation of business
Gimme my money, in my stone cold bank account
Before you sign the check double-check the amount
I'm the master of paper stack getting
With a minor in never forgetting
Who tried to screw me out some hard earned dough
Classic vendetta I'm Vince Van Gogh
Minus the impressionism, plus some beats
Plus some paperwork and stacks of receipts
If the shoe fits, wear it on your head I need proof
I don't want a story man I want the truth
I want what I wanna get, money on my bedspread
Try to fuck me over and you'll end up… sad
This is the technique, from geek to the bottom of a creek
My payment comes now not in a week
Gimme my money
Mixing business and pleasure is a no-no
So if I know you count the bills out slow-mo
No offense, all reason and rhyme
We can be friends if you pay me on time
And that's a must, I know too many scrublords
Scrubbin around in the dirt watchin Star Wars
If you want to make it put the phone on vibration
Put your work in before you plan your vacation
I'm the bad guy because I want my check
Save the bullshit I don't want your respect
Or the admiration of my peers
I just want the motherfuckin check to clear
You think it's funny, I'm straight up mirthless
I don't work for free because I'm not worthless
I don't work for free because I like to eat steak
Pay day's my birthday because I get cake
14. Bite That Butt
Go downtown and bite that butt
Give it to you fast and make you say what
Chomp that ass like it's full of Wendy's
Gourmet salad with cranberries and goat cheese
Goosebumps with the A/C on
Grill that ass like Genghis Khan
Rule over it like turkmenistan
Turn them cheeks so they face the sun
Get on in there and bite that buttcheek
Put your dentures in if you don't have front teeth
It's the healing feeling,
if gravity ends I'll suck ass on the ceiling
Don't get mad, I just wanna touch it
With my mouth and I might wanna suck it
Just a little bit, I mean, I'm not weird
I wanna bite that butt
15. Fucked Up Cruise
That's right we're on a fucked up cruise
God is dead but at least we have booze
Bad things happen, no one knows why
The sun burns out and everyone dies
All aboard
Life's a game that you're bound to lose
Like using a hammer to pound in screws
Fuck up once and you break your thumb
If you're happy at all then you're goddamn dumb
Dead people on every street
Beneath the ground, beneath your feet
Soon enough, we're down there with 'em
In a thousand years, we never existed
Reincarnation's just a dream
Church and school are financial schemes
And a million people won't eat cheese
"Gross, that's made from animals"
Thanks for voting, our side wins!
The other side is the same, my friends
Society's just another word for
"Let's all pretend we're not skeletons"
That's right we're on a fucked up cruise ship
All aboard the S S Meaningless
All of existence is just a lie
We fight with each other while we wait to die
All aboard
16. Real Art
I walked up to the building
Knocked on the window, secretary drew the blinds slow
Let me in, I got something important
Heard her yell back to the back, hey do you know him
The door buzzed and I pulled it open
Took out my briefcase, the guard said he's homeless
I laughed and said "Close, my friend, I'm an artist"
Popped the lock and some cashews fell out
The floor was clean so I chucked em in my mouth
Five second rule, I said with a glare
That's a lie, I eat any food anywhere
A lady walked up while I was crunchin
Clicked her heels like Edvard Munchin
Hands to her face like the famous scream
Said we don't participate in pyramid schemes
I laughed again and I told her "No way
I'm not Herbalife, Quixtar or Amway
I'm just here to spread some cheer
Here comes Santa and the 12 reindeer"
Then I let out a noxious explosion
Gas from my ass with the odor of goat skin
Air turned yellow and they all started chokin
That's real art, I'll sign it if you got a pen
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